A Dry Spell
By
Thomas Willshire
Characters
Andy : Early thirties.
Pam : Early thirties.
Trudy : Late twenties.
Kieran : Mid twenties.
Action
The play begins in Pam and Andy’s bedroom but doesn’t stay there long. Each setting is described or at least implied by the characters.
ACT 1
(The play opens with Pam in bed and Andy standing away from her. It is clear
the action begins some time after the conversation began. Pam holds a cup of tea.)
Andy : I was just thinking about our problem. Well, my problem. I don’t know really.
There isn’t a way in which I can express it without hurting your feelings.
Pam : It’s a bit late for that.
Andy : And I’m sorry. (pause) I love you.
Pam : Thank you for my tea.
Andy : I love you a lot.
Pam : I know you do you big…I love you too. But that’s not the point is it?
Andy : Isn’t it? (pause) Can I sit on the bed?
Pam : Of course you can sit on the fucking bed.
Andy : Thanks. (pause) Lovely bed this, isn’t it?
Pam : It’s great. Barely ever used.
Andy : Look…
Pam : No! No…‘look’. You don’t get away with ‘look’.
Andy : I think I have a solution.
Pam : (pause) Well?
( Blackout. Music inappropriate to the mood of the previous scene plays as the bed is
removed along with Pam. A spot slowly rises on Andy. He is holding a sketch pad and
has placed a stool centre stage)
Andy : At that point…what you’ve just seen…it had been roughly a year since Pam and I
had last had sex. That’s right, a whole year. (chuckles nervously) It wasn’t just that…I
hadn’t painted her either. In all that time. Not once.
And that’s what this is all about. All…this. (he gestures to the stage and the auditorium)
‘The Solution’! (he chuckles nervously)
As you can see my problems only warrant a small budget. Maybe if I’d called it, ‘The
Sex Factor’ and had a weekly sing off or something…well, I could have been on
television. Still, this is alright isn’t it? (looking around) A bit of theatre.
(pause)
I love Pam. I really do. You may see things tonight that suggest I don’t love her but
honestly, I do. Since I first met her I haven’t known what to do without her. We’ve been
married for six years…she’s everything to me.
The trouble is I don’t seem to fancy her anymore. In any way.
(pause)
At the beginning…when all this started…long before that little chat on the bed…’The
Solution’…as it were…seemed quite simple. Just get another model. Pam’s busy at
work, anyway…doing all her numbers stuff…and her last sitting was a nightmare. An
absolute nightmare.
(Andy turns and Pam walks on S.R to Andy in a dressing gown)
Andy : (to Pam) There you are.
Pam : What’s that supposed to mean?
Andy : Oh…nothing…
Pam : Did I keep you waiting?
Andy : No…not at all…
Pam : Glad to hear it.
(pause)
Andy : Shall we start?
Pam : I had a shitty day by the way.
Andy : Oh, I’m sorry. (fiddles with his notebook)
Pam : That really means a lot.
Andy : Is everything alright, Pam?
Pam : Well you wouldn’t know, would you?
Andy : What’s wrong?
Pam : Most people…when they get back from work…have a loved one who says ‘Hello
sweet pea, how was your day?’…not me, though…not me…
Andy : I’d never call you sweet pea…
Pam : That’s not the point! All I get, when I get back from work, is this…(she pulls a
little note out of her dressing gown. She reads from it) “In the studio, ready when you
are, Andy”. Isn’t that touching?
Andy : I didn’t mean…
Pam : There aren’t even any kisses at the end.
Andy : I was in a rush…
Pam : You were in a rush? I had the worst day possible…I spilled a drink over my
keyboard, broke a heel…at lunch time, no less, so I spent the entire day hobbling around
like a war veteran…
Andy : I’m sorry…
Pam : And…to top it off…I came on my period early and had borrow a tampon from
our receptionist, Alice, who smells of cabbage.
Andy : Oh dear.
Pam : And I come home to this! (she throws the note at him)
Andy : I’m sorry, Pam. (pause) Shall we start?
Pam : No we won’t fucking start! (pause) When was the last time you sold a painting,
Andy?
Andy : What?
Pam : When was the last time you sold a painting?
Andy : You know it’s a tough time at the moment…
Pam : When was the last time you exhibited?
Andy : I’ve been struggling…
Pam : You don’t even cover your own painting costs these days…it’s all on me, isn’t it?
Andy : I’m doing my best…
Pam : (welling up) I can’t deal with all this…all this pressure…
Andy : I’m sorry…
Pam : I’m so stressed…
Andy : I don’t know what to say…
Pam : I’m tired…I’m…will you come and hug me for fuck’s sake!
Andy : Sorry…sorry…of course…(he hugs her)
Pam : It was a horrible day…
Andy : I know.
Pam : I really liked those shoes…
Andy : I know…I’m sorry you had a shit day…
Pam : It’s not your fault…
Andy : I’m sorry about the note…
Pam : Yeah…well, you’re a prick…
Andy : I am…I’m a prick.
Pam : A big prick…
Andy : A huge prick…
Pam : A monumental prick…
Andy : Steady…a monumental prick wouldn’t be hugging you, would he?
Pam : (smiling) I suppose not. (pause) Can we not bother today? I don’t feel like it.
Andy : Of course.
Pam : I’m sorry.
Andy : Don’t apologise for anything. (he kisses her) There you go.
Pam : I love you.
Andy : I love you too.
Pam : I love your paintings.
Andy : Thanks.
Pam : But I love you more.
Andy : I’d expect nothing less. You go and get changed…I’ll clean up in here.
(Andy gathers his painting stuff)
Pam : I am all naked underneath here.
Andy : What?
Pam : I’m all naked.
Andy : Oh…right.
Pam : We could go upstairs.
Andy : We could.
Pam : (approaching Andy) Or we could stay down here.
Andy : Ah…you’ve just come on…
Pam : We could put a towel down?
Andy : Oh…Pam…I’m not sure…
Pam : We’ve done it before…
Andy : I really don’t…
Pam : Come on Andy…
Andy : No, Pam…not in my studio…it would be disgusting.
Pam : Disgusting!? It would be disgusting!? How dare you…!
Andy : Stop!! (a moment. To the audience) Like I said it was a nightmare.
Would you like to know why I hadn’t sold any paintings? Let alone exhibited
anything? For a long time my work had stunk. Painting after painting of absolute
rubbish. Each one was unoriginal and…flabby…and I just didn’t know why. It was
infuriating. There was something intangible about they’re abhorrence. Not just paintings
of Pam but paintings of anything. All of them just…just awful. When I started
work the paintbrush felt like a foreign object and try as I might I couldn’t get
reacquainted with it. If I’d known why…well, I could have fixed it. But I didn’t.
(Pam exits)
So they weren’t selling. Pam pretty much paid for everything with her ‘proper’ job…it
was a mess. And then there was the sex thing.
( pause)
Look, it sounds hideous but the trouble is…once you’ve gone a while without being
intimate with each other the thing takes on a horribly restrictive significance. For a long
time the prospect of intercourse with my wife had loomed over me like the boulder that
chases Indiana Jones.
That was the last time I tried to paint Pam. After that I found a new model.
(Andy exits as Trudy enters in her wheel chair. She has a rolled up chart in her
lap and a book)
Trudy : People often harbor vicious presumptions about models. Someone once said to
me : “How hard can it be, all you have to do is sit there!”. I was livid. I explained that
whilst I might ‘only’ be sitting there I also happen to be using a great deal of energy,
both in maintaining pose and communicating spiritually with the artist. It’s a coming
together…I have to impose myself through his paint so it really is hard and significant
work. “What do you do anyway?”: I say, because that often puts them on the back
foot. On that specific occasion it turned out he was a counselor in a rape crisis centre,
which rather blunted my point but principally, I was right. Principally.
Working for Andy is a special privilege…he doesn’t paint you so much as he worships
you. Each brush stroke a little prayer…a little offering. It was pure chance that I spotted
his tiny advert in the library. Destiny, if you will. It was such a modest little note.
“Artist seeks female life model”. Well, that artist could have been anyone. He turned out
to be Andy.
(Andy enters wearing a coat. Trudy offers him the rolled up chart. Andy takes it,
Trudy wheels herself to the peripheries of the stage and reads her book)
Andy : I started buying Pam presents…gifts and so on. It’s nice to treat your wife, isn’t
it? It’s…perfectly normal…and this was one of the best! I couldn’t wait to see her face!
Pam! Pam!
Pam : (from off stage) What?
Andy : Are you coming?
Pam : Darling…it’s cold outside…
Andy : It’s not that bad, really…I’m fine.
Pam : You’re pissed, I‘m not trusting your judgment.
Andy : I am not!
Pam : Why are you smiling then, I can see that horrible grin from in here.
Andy : Oh, thank you very much.
Pam : Don’t make me come outside!
Andy : I’ve got a surprise for you…put your slippers on and come out.
Pam : I can’t find them.
Andy : You’ve got hundreds of pairs of slippers for heaven’s sake, come on Pam.
Pam : Oh Andy!
Andy : Come on darling, I’ve got you a present.
Pam : Hang on…oh for…give me a minute.
Andy : Will you grab my scarf as well?
Pam : I thought you were fine!
Andy : I am…just a bit chilly.
Pam : Typical.
Andy : (to audience) I’ve never met someone who owns so many pairs of slippers.
Animal slippers predominately. Rabbit slippers, bear slippers, cartoon slippers, she’s
even got a pair of duck billed platypus slippers. They’re all lined up in our bedroom,
like a little furry army standing in formation.
Ah…here she is…(Pam enters carrying Andy’s coat wearing a pair of rabbit faced
slippers. She looks peeved)
Pam : (Throwing Andy’s scarf at him) What is it?
Andy : Oh for goodness sake, is it that bad being out here?
Pam : I’m cold and ‘Spooks’ has started, get a move on.
Andy : O.K…O.K…first of all I love you…
Pam :…(complacently) love you too…
Andy :…and I want you to look over there at the horizon.
Pam : Where?
Andy : Over there…follow my finger…
Pam : Have you washed your hands?
Andy : Yes…
Pam : I’m fed up of getting paint on my cardigans.
Andy : Just follow my finger…alright?
Pam : (wearily) I am doing.
Andy : Now, see the church spire?
Pam : Yes.
Andy : See the little star next to it?
Pam : Where?
Andy : The one in the sky.
Pam : Andy, there’s quite a few stars in the fucking sky.
Andy : Alright, alright…it’s literally just over the top of that spire…see it?
Pam : Well…I think so.
Andy : (proudly) That’s your star.
Pam : What do you mean?
Andy : I bought it for you.
Pam : You bought it for me?
Andy : Yeah…I found this web-site where you can buy un-named stars…
Pam : Un-named stars?
Andy : Yeah…and that one over there…is now called Pam.
Pam : Really?
Andy : Yeah…and here’s your star chart to prove it. (Andy hands Pam the chart)
Pam : Are you sure you haven’t been ripped off?
Andy : No…look…come on…open the chart…(she does so)…and there you are…right
next to Sharon and Beryl.
Pam : Above Norman.
Andy : That’s right. Isn’t that fantastic?
Pam : Is this thing official?
Andy : Of course it is…I’ve even got a certificate somewhere.
Pam : How much did this cost?
Andy : That’s not important.
Pam : Andy. How much did it cost?
Andy : Very little…look, do you want the present or not?
Pam : Yes…but…oh look this is nonsense…I don’t believe there’s a star named…(looks
at the chart)…Eustace…I just don’t.
Andy : Why not? I thought you’d like it.
Pam : Oh…I do…it’s just…
Andy : It’s just what?
Pam : Thank you Andy…thank you very much.
Andy : That’s your star over there.
Pam : I know…it’s a lovely gesture…thank you…
Andy : Do I get a few romance points?
Pam : You definitely do. (kisses Andy on the head)
Andy : Apparently you can see it better from the south coast, it’s higher in the sky
there. I was thinking perhaps a weekend away? We could go to Brighton I thought?
Have a midnight picnic on the beach and gaze up at your star. I thought that might
be nice.
Pam : It would. It would be nice.
Andy : So you like it?
Pam : I do. I’m going inside now baby…I’m cold, you coming in?
Andy : No…no…I’m alright for a bit. It’s nice out here, bracing you know?
Pam : O.K, don’t get too cold, though.
Andy : I won’t.
(Pam exits. Andy stares out at Pam’s star)
She’d got herself a gym instructor at this point. Kieran.
(Kieran enters)
Keiran : Hi.
Andy : There he is.
Keiran : I like to model myself on Michelangelo’s David.
Andy : I’m sorry I can’t watch this. (he turns away)
Keiran : How many of you lady’s are slightly damp now, eh? How many have gone a bit
quivery? I bet it’s the ones here with their boyfriends or husbands. Laughing away,
blushing, shaking your heads. Wanting me more and more each second. Sure, you’re
man’s got a sense of humour, sure, he’s sensitive and understands you…but does he
split you in two every night with pleasure? Does he make you gasp like a rutting gazelle?
I bet he doesn’t. That said, if he’s a Chelsea fan, then he’s alright. Cheers.
Andy : Oh for God’s sake just piss off!
Kieran : See you.
(Kieran exits)
Andy : I’ve never been the most sexually imaginative person myself. Even before
we…went through our dry patch the thought of trying new things scared me.
Don’t even mention ‘toys’ and so on. Isn’t that a patronizing word for a fake penis? A
‘toy’? It’s a tool, surely? A sexual accessory, anything other than a ‘toy’. God it’s
depressing. And depressing is definitely the right word. It’s the word I’d use to
describe mine and Pam’s sex life. How’s your sex life Andy? Depressing. It can’t be
that bad!? No really, it’s depressing. I lie on the bed and hold a ridiculously coloured
vibrating dildo and watch my wife have several orgasms all of which have nothing to do
with me.
Mind you, it’s not all bad. Great lengths of time spent avoiding sex make you quite good
at it. It’s quite a skill. Sex evasion. Her Birthday for example…(Pam enters and stares
straight ahead)…I got an inkling she wanted to…you know…
Pam : Andy, I want to have sex.
Andy : That’s right. I went down the head ache route on that occasion.
Pam : Andy, I want to have sex.
Andy : (Pam ) Ah…well…I’ve got a bit of a headache, actually.
Pam : Really?
Andy : Yeah…right at the front of my head, you know? Maybe later eh?
Pam : Fine.
Andy : (audience) Sorted. Valentines Day was tough. Pam, subtly implied she wanted
some sex.
Pam : Andy, fuck me.
Andy : On that occasion I resorted to the ‘poorly willy’ excuse.
Pam : Andy, fuck me.
Andy : I’m terribly sorry, Pam…I’m riddled with thrush.
Pam : Riddled?
Andy : Yeah…it’s like an itchy tornado down there.
Pam : Fine.
Andy : (Audience) Phew! Possibly the hardest of all was the day of her Mother’s funeral.
Don’t ask me why but Pam seemed to want some sort of physical comfort that day. I’ll
be honest, at the time, I thought it was all in rather poor taste.
Pam : I want us to make love Andy.
Andy : No, she was crying more than that.
Pam : (crying) I want us to make love, Andy.
Andy : Better…much better. I really had to be inventive that time.
Pam : (crying more) Andy! I want us to make love!
Andy : I’m terribly sorry, Pam. I just can’t shake that image out of my head.
Pam : What image?
Andy : The image of your Mother…going through the windscreen…
Pam : Andy!
Andy : Apparently they could barely identify the body.
Pam : Fine! (Pam exits)
Andy : (audience) So you see…I’ve had to think on my feet, you know? I was quite
proud of that last one. It doesn’t get any easier, though, let me tell you. Time for present
number two, I think.
(we hear Pam from off stage)
Pam : Andy! Andy!
Andy : Yeah?
Pam : What on earth is this? (she enters holding a stuffed gorilla)
Andy : Well what does it look like?
Pam : It looks like a stuffed gorilla.
Andy : Yep, that’s right.
Pam : Why on earth have you bought me a stuffed gorilla?
Andy : I saw it and thought of you…(realizing)…I mean, I wanted to get you something
and it caught my eye.
Pam : Andy, I haven’t got space for a stuffed gorilla. I’ve already got a stuffed
orangutan and a distressingly big gibbon. I’m running out of room for all these stupid
presents of yours.
Andy : I thought you’d like it.
Pam : Just stop Andy, please, for God’s sake stop.
Andy : Pam…
Pam : I’m going to the gym…and I’m throwing this in the bin on the way.
Andy : It’s not his fault for heaven’s sake…Pam!
(Trudy wheels herself centre stage)
Trudy : Are we working Andy? Or are we staring into the distance?
Andy : Trudy.
Trudy : I’m ready, Andy. I’ve been ready for five minutes now. I’m poised.
Andy : (to the audience) This, would you believe, is only Trudy’s fourth sitting.
Trudy : Did you hear me? Poised.
Andy : Forgive me.
Trudy : I’m feeling very etch-able today, Andy…I’ve been channeling all
morning. (she raises her arms in some sort of salute)
Andy : Yes, yes, I’m a bit behind this morning, actually. You’re well are you?
Trudy : I am actually. (Andy repositions the stool and collects his sketching stuff) Ask
me why.
Andy : Why are you so well, Trudy?
Trudy : I’m on the brink of something really meaningful with someone. (he sets
the stool up stage right)
Andy : Really?
Trudy : He’s an actor. Very deep sort of person.
Andy : An actor? What’s his name?
Trudy : Oh, I don’t know…but his aura’s a lovely shade of blue.
Andy : Right…well, that sounds exciting…
Trudy : And he’s got a really big tongue.
Andy : (pause) Good. (distressed) I might use pencil for this one…I think…one minute.
(he exits)
Trudy : He is adorable isn’t he? So easily ruffled!
(Andy re-enters with a box of pencils)
Andy : Right….well, ready when you are.
Trudy : How does Pam feel about you painting nude women?
Andy : Well…any reason why you’ve asked that?
Trudy : Not really, I’m just curious.
Andy : She’s fine with it…it’s my job. Are you ready?
Trudy : Have you ever painted her?
Andy : Yes…lots of times…
Trudy : Does she like it?
Andy : Can we focus on this please?
Trudy : O.K. I didn’t mean to pry.
Andy : No…you weren’t…it’s fine…can we start?
Trudy : I could just nip to the loo.
Andy : Go on then…you know where it is.
(she springs out of the chair and exits)
Andy : She’s fascinating isn’t she? Different. There’s something about her frame that
beautifully complements the structure of the wheel chair. She’s got a sort of metallic
quality . I’ve always imagined sex with Trudy would be like making love to a step
ladder.
She’s very good actually. One of the best I’ve worked with. When she poses
she looks like a caged bird…a prisoner unable to escape…something like
that. Other models that I’ve used objected to the wheel chair for various reasons. Either
it was too cold or they were worried it was some kind of kinky experiment. Mostly,
though, I think it was just vanity. How can I look beautiful on one of those? It’s
unprofessional if you think about it. Trudy, however, she took to it like a duck to water.
She shouted ‘wonderful’ and flung herself in the thing. After a week she was doing
wheelies in it and suggesting she had become ‘at one’ with it.
(Trudy enters)
Trudy : (spinning into the chair, addressing Andy) Sorry I took so long, I had a poo.
Andy : Oh? O.K. You know I didn’t need to know that Trudy.
Trudy : I thought I’d better be honest. I wouldn’t want you thinking I’d been self
harming in your toilet or anything.
Andy : Why would I think that?
Trudy : Shall we get a move on, Andy…we’ve only got an hour after all!
Andy : Er, yes certainly.
(Trudy de-robes)
Trudy : How’s this?
Andy : Yeah…good. (to the audience) Pam, meanwhile, was having her
first gym session.
( Kieran and Pam appear behind Trudy wearing gym equipment. Pam begins
doing some sit ups)
Kieran : You’re relentless…that’s right, you’re a machine…keep going…
push it…push it some more…look at me…look at me…keep looking at me…
I’m toned aren’t I? Use that…use that for you…be inspired…push it…push it…
you’re doing very well.
Pam : Thank you. (continues) How many of these sessions do you do a day?
Kieran : As many as I can.
Pam : I suppose it’s easy when you’re just standing there.
Kieran : I’ll ignore that.
Pam : It was a joke, Kieran
Kieran : Enough, stretch out.
Pam : Do you ever get bored?
Kieran : Look at my thighs. Can you imagine getting bored with thighs like these?
Pam : Well…
Kieran : Now stand up. (Kieran leads her down stage) Take a look at my biceps.
(flexing them) See them?
Pam : Er, yeah.
Kieran : They’re not huge, not like a body builder, but they’re defined, strong. Far from
boring, don’t you think?
Pam : Definitely.
Kieran : Feel that one.
Pam : (laughing nervously) I’m alright, really.
Kieran : No, feel it. It’s important for your training. Go on.
Pam : (gingerly feels his bicep) Wow, yeah, very good.
Kieran : Have you ever felt muscle that hard before? Be honest.
Pam : Well…
Kieran : Consider the density of the muscle.
Pam : No. I suppose not
Kieran : That doesn’t surprise me. Now feel my glutes.
Pam : Your what?
Kieran : My gluteous maximus muscles. My buttocks.
Pam : I think that might be going a bit far, Kieran.
Kieran : Nonsense. You’ll probably never have arms like mine…
Pam : I wouldn’t want…
Kieran : But realistically you could have buttocks like mine, if you continue your
training. Think of my buttocks as a goal, a target. Have a feel.
Pam : I really don’t…
Kieran : Feel them Pam!
(startled by Kieran’s intensity she grabs his bottom)
Right…now that’s pretty firm isn’t it?
Pam : Yep.
Kieran : How about this? (he tenses his bum and traps Pam’s hand)
Pam : My God!
Kieran : Pretty good eh?
Pam : Can I have my hand back please?
Kieran : Can’t you pull it out?
Pam : No…I…Kieran will you let go!?
Kieran : Come on, try harder, really pull…
Pam : Kieran! This stops now!
Kieran : Have a drink with me.
Pam : You’re joking!
Kieran : You won’t get your hand back until you say yes.
Pam : You’re hurting me!
Kieran : Just a drink, that’s all.
Pam : You’re a psycho!
Kieran : I can hold this for hours, you know!
Pam : Ow!!
Kieran : Like rock, aren’t they? Is your hand going numb yet?
Pam : Alright for fuck’s sake I’ll have a drink with you!
Kieran : What was that?
Pam : I’ll have a drink with you, you freak!
Kieran : So that’s a yes?
Pam : Yes!
Kieran : There we go! (he releases her)
Pam : Christ all mighty!
Kieran : You could do that yourself with a little work.
Pam : Oh…great, I’ll look forward to it.
Kieran : Stretch out while I think about which bar to take you to.
Pam : Kieran…if you think…
Kieran : Come on, stretch out…gently first…very good. Do you like Dubstep?
(Andy leaves Trudy clapping his hands. Pam and Kieran freeze.)
Andy : I’m sorry but I can’t bare any more. He’s a human Venus Fly Trap for goodness
sake! I’d say it’s hard not to feel sorry for her… isn’t it? Any longer and his
arse might have consumed her or something. Go on, get lost.
(Kieran and Pam exit.)
People like that terrify me. Such confidence in themselves. I find that really
intimidating. It took me seven glasses of wine to build up the courage just to approach
Pam. Buttock boy over there simply clamped on and squeezed her into submission.
It boils down to the fact that he’s one of those alpha males they talk about. Happily
going about furthering the species and spreading his lycra clad seed as far and as wide as
possible. He’s a winner. God knows what that makes me. Probably a zebra male or
something. One million years ago I’d have been dead at six and while my Mother was
eating my remains he’d have been doing her from behind. (pause) Oh…sorry…my
sitting with Trudy.
(Andy resumes his sitting with Trudy. He begins sketching.)
Trudy : (after a moments silence) Andy?
Andy : Yeah?
Trudy : Can I ask you a question?
Andy : Certainly.
Trudy : It’s a bit silly.
Andy : Go ahead…I promise I won’t laugh or anything.
Trudy : Would you say I was beautiful?
Andy : Definitely, in every way.
Trudy : Rubbish. (pause) How do you mean?
Andy : (still trying to paint) Sorry?
Trudy : What do you mean I’m beautiful in every way?
Andy : You’re aesthetically beautiful, artistically beautiful, conventionally and
unconventionally beautiful…need I go on?
Trudy : So I’m not fat?
Andy : (before he can stop himself) Ha!
Trudy : Why do you laugh?
Andy : Well it’s such an absurd question.
Trudy : Is it?
Andy : Yes. Particularly coming from you.
Trudy : Why?
Andy : Well…
Trudy : Are you saying I’m too thin?
Andy : No…
Trudy : Bony?
Andy : No! God no! I just didn’t think you were the kind of person who worried about
that sort thing.
Trudy : Well I’m not…not all the time.
Andy : Trudy…you have a wonderful figure, a quite spectacular body and I refuse to
waste another minute talking about it when I could be sketching it. Alright?
Trudy : (smiling) I suppose so.
Andy : Good. Now I’m all done here I think for now…thank you very much…I thought
it was a good sitting.
Trudy : (covering up) It was, wasn’t it? I quite look forward to our time together. You’re
not like any of the other men I know.
Andy : In what way?
Trudy : You haven’t tried to seduce me, yet.
Andy : Oh…no…well…I wouldn’t.
Trudy : Because of your wife…of course…what’s her name again?
Andy : Pam.
Trudy : Pam…that’s right…well…I better get changed…
Andy : You’re stuff is just through there.
Trudy : Bye Andy.
Andy : Bye.
(Trudy exits wheeling the chair along with her. Andy looks at the audience)
Andy : What? She’s mad…Trudy’s just…mad. Honestly.
(Pam enters holding a box. She looks livid.)
Oh yes. I think it’s time for present number three. After the gorilla I let a little time
pass…let the dust settle, you know.
Pam : (quietly) Andy. I need a word.
Andy : Are you still having fun at the gym?
Pam : Yes…sort of…look…
Andy : How’s that gym instructor coming along?
Pam : He’s…efficient…look Andy, I’m trying to speak to you….
Andy : Is everything alright Pam?
Pam : It’s this Andy. It’s this. (gesturing to the box)
Andy : Oh yes. I thought…why just get you flowers when I could get you…
Pam : (getting it out of the box)…a flower arrangement in the shape of a pig?
Andy : Spot on.
Pam : Andy…you remember the gorilla incident…
Andy : Yep.
Pam : You remember that it wasn’t a happy incident?
Andy : You burned him.
Pam : That’s right. So why this, then? Why this…fucking monstrosity?
Andy : It’s not a monstrosity!
Pam : It’s a flower arrangement in the shape of a pig! It’s grotesque…it’s absurd…
Andy : I’m just trying to treat you every now and then.
Pam : How? How exactly are you able to ‘treat’ me every now and then?
Andy : Well…you know…
Pam : No Andy, I don’t know…I haven’t the foggiest. Where are you finding the
money? I assumed the last of it went on that new model…
Andy : Trudy.
Pam : Yes, Trudy. Now that’s fine…Trudy can be claimed back on expenses. I don’t
begrudge her…but these moronic presents of yours…we can’t afford them!
Andy : It’s my money.
Pam : What?
Andy : It’s my money, alright? I have a little put away…
Pam : You what?
Andy : Just a few hundred…it’s the Pam present fund…it’s meant to be a nice thing…
Pam : The Pam present fund!? I…oh this isn’t fair…no no…how can I not come across
as an ungrateful bitch now? It’s not fair…you can’t do that…
Andy : I’m not doing anything!
Pam : Yes you are…you’re frittering money away on this shit while I worry and fret
about paying to get my fucking shoes repaired in case we can’t cover the gas bill!
Didn’t it occur to you that if you wanted to get me a present you could pay the weeks
food just once maybe…or the phone bill?
Andy : I just wanted a bit of a say …
Pam : You don’t get any say in this Andy!
Andy : Do you know how that feels, though? Can you imagine how that feels?
Pam : You’re the one who chose the dream…who chose painting in our fucking shed for
a career. I’m the one who works in a battery farm office job slowly losing the will to
live. That’s me Andy. You’ve got your painting…and that’s great…I’ve got a flower
arrangement in the shape of a pig where I used to have husband. And on that note I’m
going to bed.
Andy : Pam…
Pam : (leaving) Not interested.
(Pam exits)
Andy : (to the audience) I slept on the sofa that night. It’s a comfy sofa but…I think it’s
time for Trudy’s next session.
(Trudy enters and poses for Andy on the wheelchair)
Trudy : (slight pause) What star sign are you?
Andy : Sorry?
Trudy : What star sign are you?
Andy : Trudy, please…I’m trying to concentrate.
Trudy : Sorry. (silence. Andy draws) Do you ever make yourself sick after you’ve eaten?
Andy : No. (hears the question) I beg your pardon!?
Trudy : Don’t pull that face!
Andy : Of course I don’t make myself…do you?
Trudy : No!
Andy : Do you!?
Trudy : No!
Andy : Then why on earth…is everything alright, Trudy?
Trudy : Yeah.
Andy : Are you sure?
Trudy : It’s fine…carry on drawing, I’m fine.
Andy : You could tell me if something was wrong…I’d listen.
Trudy : No…it’s just…so you’ve never made yourself sick?
Andy : No, well, once I suppose, I was full of beer and felt terrible.
Trudy : What was it like?
Andy : Delightful.
Trudy : Really?
Andy : No of course not, Trudy, I was horribly drunk and it just made me feel worse,
now come on, what’s going on?
Trudy : My man with the blue aura?
Andy : Who?
Trudy : My actor.
Andy : Oh…the one with the big tongue?
Trudy : Yes. Well, when I first met him he was doing street theatre. Actually, it
turned out he was being mugged, but once I’d helped him up and bought him a drink he
said that my shoulder was the least bony he’d ever cried on.
Andy : He’s a charmer isn’t he?
Trudy : He’s an actor, he’s very sensitive.
Andy : So you think the shoulder comment was a veiled criticism of your weight?
Trudy : No, there’s more than that. He said my knees were soft…
Andy : Right…
Trudy : And that my wrists were like freshly cooked bagels…
Andy : Bagels?!
Trudy : Freshly cooked bagels. I think he’s trying to tell me I’m fat.
Andy : No…no…I mean God knows what he is trying to tell you. But they’re all nice
things aren’t they?
Trudy : I’m not sure about the bagel wrists part.
Andy : Yeah that is odd…but…there’s no way he could think you’re fat, I mean look
at you.
Trudy : Yes, I’m probably worrying about nothing.
Andy : Definitely. (pause) Can we carry on?
Trudy : Go ahead.
(Andy and Pam freeze, Pam and Kieran enter, they are in a bar)
Pam : Like I said, just one drink.
Kieran : Lets not apply rules to first date. I don’t like rules.
Pam : It’s not a rule, it’s just the way it is. And this isn’t a date.
Kieran : It feels like a date to me. We’re drinking, I’m nervous, you’re tense…we’re
talking quietly…
Pam : Kieran, I will go this instant if you carry on like this.
Kieran : And now your threatening to leave. It’s definitely a date.
Pam : So all the women you date threaten to leave?
Kieran : Oh Yeah. They never do though. You look lovely by the way.
Pam : Whatever.
Kieran : There’s no need to be like that. The most attractive woman in the bar should
be told so. That’s just polite.
Pam : You’re so full of shit it’s not true.
Kieran : That may be. But you still look lovely.
Pam : Oh, whatever…
Kieran : Whatever what?
Pam : Nothing, just whatever.
Kieran : Whatever what?
(Pam and Kieran freeze, Andy and Trudy continue)
Trudy : He’s said lots of nice things as well. Like that I’m his hearts audience and the
parts we play in our relationship will be the greatest parts ever written.
Andy : He said that?
Trudy : Something like it, yes.
Andy : Blimey.
Trudy : Like I said, he’s very sensitive.
Andy : He seems it.
Trudy : Sorry to waste your time with my neurosis, Andy.
Andy : Don’t be silly, you can always talk to me.
Trudy : Thank you.
Andy : Shall, we carry on? You O.K?
Trudy : Just one minute. (she steps out of the chair and moves over to Andy. He is
clearly thrown. She kisses him on the head and returns to the chair)
Andy : What was that for?
Trudy : I’m ready when you are.
Andy : Right…right.
(Back to Pam and Kieran)
Kieran : They’re around thirteen inches when I flex, and around nine inches when I
don’t. What about you?
Pam : What about me?
Kieran : What are your measurements?
Pam : You want my measurements?
Kieran : You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.
Pam : Is this your idea of small talk? Asking me how big my biceps are?
Kieran : I’m interested.
Pam : Why?
Kieran : I just am.
Pam : Well, I don’t know Kieran, I’ve never measured them.
Kieran : You’ve never measured them?
Pam : No.
Kieran : Why not? I thought everyone measured their arms.
Pam : Not me.
Kieran : Aren’t you interested?
Pam : Not really.
Kieran : Oh. Not even a little bit?
Pam : The only measurements I worry about are my dress size and my bra size,
that’s it.
Kieran : And what are they?
Pam : Kieran! I’m not telling you.
Kieran : Why not?
Pam : Because…you…
Kieran : Let me get you another drink.
Pam : No.
Kieran : Just one more.
Pam : A drink. I agreed to having a drink.
Kieran : If we top that one up…technically it’s the same drink.
Pam : Oh…now that’s rubbish and you know it.
Kieran : Come on…just one more.
Pam : No…
Kieran : Please…?
Pam : No…I’m going to leave now.
(Kieran grabs Pam’s hand)
Kieran : Don’t go.
Pam : Let go of me.
Kieran : You turn me on.
Pam : I beg your pardon?
Kieran : You turn me on and I really want to go to bed with you.
Pam : Shhh! For god’s sake people are looking…
Kieran : I want to inhabit you.
Pam : You want to what?
Kieran : Inhabit you.
Pam : Who on earth…
Kieran : I really want to have sex with you.
Pam : Sssshhhhh! Who talks like that for heaven’s sake?
Kieran : I think you’re sexy…
Pam : Shhhh!
Kieran : And I really want to make love to you.
(he slowly and deliberately bites her finger. For a moment she just watches
him. He then takes her other hand and bites the fingers on that one too)
Pam : (snatches her hands back) I’m married. Good bye.
(she exits hurriedly. Kieran addresses the audience)
Kieran : Did you like that? The bitey finger thing? I could be biting
your fingers, ladies, If you wanted. I’m very good at it. No spit. Just tooth on
knuckle…and a little bit of tongue. Fancy that?
(Kieran exits. Trudy and Andy continue)
Trudy : I’m afraid I need to go now. (Andy is still painting feverishly) Andy?
Andy : Yeah?
Trudy : I need to go now.
Andy : Right. Good. I don’t mean, good you’re leaving I mean, good…erm…
Trudy : (putting her robe on) I know what you mean. I didn’t mean to scare you.
Andy : Scare me? You didn’t scare me.
Trudy : I got the impression that when I kissed you, you became skittish.
Andy : Skittish? What…no…no I don’t do skittish…skittish? Really?
Trudy : It seemed to make you uncomfortable. You haven’t stopped frowning since.
Andy : Oh…(raising his eyebrows)…that’s just the work…frowning with concentration.
You know how I like things just right.
Trudy : I had…I don’t know how to put it…a swelling…
Andy : A what?!
Trudy : A swelling of…affection for you. A bit like when a puppy bangs its head and
you simply have to give it a cuddle out of a sheer…need to.
Andy : So I’m a clumsy dog?
Trudy : No…a clumsy puppy.
Andy : Alright. That’s fine then…puppy love, I can deal with that.
Trudy : Good, I’m glad.
(a slight pause.)
Andy : (purposely breaking the tension) So when are you going to see the big tongued
actor?
Trudy : Oh, that’s who I’m meeting now actually. He’s going to teach me how to roll
cigarettes.
Andy : Wow, lucky you.
Trudy : I know, it doesn’t sound very exciting does it?
Andy : You don’t smoke do you?
Trudy : No…but apparently it’s very sexual, tucking the tobacco into a rizla duvet then
licking it up and down.
Andy : Right.
Trudy : Then you place it’s tip in your mouth and set the whole thing ablaze.
Andy : I see. (pause) I should imagine he’s good at the licking part.
Trudy : Why?
Andy : Well, the big tongue.
Trudy : Oh of course. It is huge.
(Pam enters. She has come straight from her drink with Kieran and over
compensates)
Pam : Hello darling. (she gives Andy a big kiss) You alright?
Andy : Yes, I’m fine.
Pam : So you’re O.K?
Andy : Yeah.
Pam : So you’re good?
Andy : Yeah I’m fine.
Pam : Good. I love you. I love you a shit load. (plants another big kiss on his face.
Then she sees Trudy) Hello there.
Andy : Oh God, yes, this is Trudy. Trudy,Pam, Pam, Trudy.
Pam : Nice to meet you, Trudy.
Trudy : Isn’t it? (pause) Andy, I need to rush off now. Can I get changed in your room?
Andy : Of course.
Trudy : I’ll see myself out then. Pam.
(she exits)
Pam : How’s your afternoon been?
Andy : Oh…fine thanks. Fine.
(pause)
Andy : How about you?
Pam : I’ve had a great day. (pause) I’m sorry I’ve been so stressed recently. I really do
love you shit loads.
Andy : Ah.
(Pam freezes . The lights tighten so Andy and Pam are the only things lit. Andy
addresses the audience)
It was very difficult avoiding sex that night. She had that dreamy look about her…all
misty and ethereal, sort of like a horny nymph. I can’t imitate it…it sent a chill down
my spine any way.
You know, it wasn’t always like this. We were happy.
Pam : (to Andy) We were happy.
Andy : I was selling paintings and Pam’s job didn’t seem too awful to her. I played the
house-husband…making sandwiches for her lunch…preparing pasta based dinners.
Pam : Because you couldn’t cook anything else.
Andy : There’s all sorts of things you can do with pasta.
Pam : When I’d get back I’d say ‘honey I’m home’ because it made us smile.
Andy : We didn’t drink in the week…
Pam : Except for Wednesdays as a treat. You’d buy…
Andy : …pink wine because I knew you liked it…even though it made me gag.
Pam : We worked our way through D.V.D box sets and joked that they were taking over
our lives.
Andy : We’d have lazy Sundays spent entirely in our dressing gowns and…
Pam : …eat nothing but crisps and dip.
Andy : We even used to have sex.
Pam : Enjoyable…sex…
Andy : We ‘christened’ every room including the downstairs toilet…
Pam : Which was quite difficult as the downstairs toilet is tiny and you kept getting
cramp in your hip.
Andy : (laughing) There was that time I blindfolded you and fed you strawberry’s and
cream…
Pam : Completely forgetting that I’m lactose intolerant .
Andy : But it was O.K, wasn’t it? Because it was fun.
Pam : It was great fun. (pause) I’m so proud you. You’re making it work. Do you know
how many people from our year at art school aren’t even painting in their spare time?
You’re doing it Andy, you’re doing it.
Andy : Trouble is, these days I’m not doing it, I’m not doing it at all.
Pam : I love you, Andy.
Andy : (pause) I love you too.
(Black out)
INTERVAL
.
ACT 2
(Music plays. Lights up on Andy)
Andy : Welcome back. I hope you’re all suitably refreshed. Just to remind everyone,
my wife’s just had her fingers sucked by her gym instructor which is the closest she’s
come to sex for about a year. (pause) Whoopee.
That night Pam asked to have a ‘night in’. Very worrying. We had dinner and watched a
bit of T.V, all snuggled up on the sofa…(Andy joins Pam
on the bed which becomes lit. During these speeches the character not speaking remains
frozen in their position, watching the television)….and I can do that!
I’m really good at snuggling…if they gave out prizes, you know. She put her head in my
lap and I stroked her hair…occasionally glancing down and taking in her face…her
expression. It’s a beautiful face, you can’t deny it. It’s almost mathematically beautiful.
Symmetrical with perfectly poised angles and shapes. Angels and shapes.
My wife makes me question my sexuality. Not a great statement is it? It’s like saying
my thumbs make me question my humanity. It doesn’t make sense does it? Then I
looked down again and this time I projected Trudy’s face onto Pam’s. And would you
believe that suited me just fine. I want to devour Trudy. I want to immure her in
myself…I want…words can’t describe. Basically I want to screw her.
So I’m stroking Pam’s hair, supporting Pam’s head feeling Pam’s breath and smelling
Pam’s smell. But I’m getting an erection about Trudy.
Pam : We were very quiet over dinner. Neither of us said very much. Whenever I met
his eyes I felt a horrible impulse. Pity. I can barely bring myself to say it. But that’s
what it was. Poor old Andy. Poor old Andy. One of the nicest, gentlest tenderest men
I’ve ever met. And I pity him. He doesn’t know about Kieran. He wouldn’t even
imagine. He just loves me blindly and how do I repay him? I get all flustered about
some muscles with a vague personality attached.
I say flustered. The truth is I was excited. I haven’t thought…sexually for so long.
With Andy…recently…there’s always a reason not to…always something getting in the
way. It didn’t used to be like that…and we’re not ancient, for fuck’s sake…I should be
nearing my sexual peak…according to Grazzia anyway…. but Kieran…he…
actually…rings my bell. God, what on earth am I talking about?
But…would you know, just as I’ve given up hope on Andy. Just as I’ve decided that in
comparison to Kieran he’s a sexual write off…while we were watching the T.V he gets a
boner! It’s a stonker too…almost raising my head off his lap…maybe something’s
changed…maybe Kieran’s ignited something in me and it’s caught onto Andy too.
Perhaps it’s good to be tested sometimes. Who knows?
Andy : Just stroke her hair…just stroke her hair.
Pam : Andy?
Andy : Yeah.
Pam : I love you.
Andy : I love you too.
(pause)
Pam : This is nice isn’t it? Snuggling…watching T.V…like we used to.
Andy : Graham Norton makes me want to vomit, actually.
Pam : No…I mean us…just snuggling on the sofa, its nice, isn’t it?
Andy : Oh, yes…yes this is lovely.
Pam : Mmmm. Is it my imagination or do I feel a little bulge?
Andy : A what?
Pam : A bulge.
Andy : What?
Pam : I’m talking about your penis, Andy.
Andy : Oh, right. Oh! I see…yes…well, you do…quite possibly.
Pam : Would you like an early night?
Andy : Erm…well, you know, we may as well wait and see where this blokes piercing
is.
Pam : You said you hate Graham Norton.
Andy : Yeah…I do…but this guy with the piercing…you know…
Pam : It’s going to be through his penis isn’t it?
Andy : Well, yes…probably.
Pam : Certainly.
Andy : Yes, your right. It’s going to be through his penis, isn’t it?
Pam : Yep. So shall I turn it off?
Andy : Would you like me to get a penis piercing?
Pam : Andy.
Andy : Come on…it might bring out my eye.
Pam : (laughing) Yeah it might. Shall we get under the covers then?
Andy : In a bit.
Pam : (pause) Are you avoiding having sex with me?
Andy : No…God no…I’m just quite comfy here, that’s all.
Pam : I see.
(pause)
Andy : Are you angry with me?
Pam : No.
Andy : Are you sure?
Pam : Yeah. (slight pause) As long as you’re comfy.
Andy : O.K…you are angry aren’t you?
Pam : We haven’t had sex in ages.
Andy : We haven’t done this in ages either. If you give me some time we can do
both, can’t we?
Pam : It’s been a year.
Andy : Sorry?
Pam : A year. Almost exactly.
Andy : Jesus, you’ve been counting?
Pam : I worked it out after the first month, then I started counting.
Andy : Well…so what? It’s not that bad. I haven’t painted you for that long either.
That’s not a big issue is it?
Pam : Andy, I couldn’t give a fuck about the painting. I’m worried about us, me…I’m
worried I might have sealed up!
Andy : Now you’re being vulgar.
Pam : I want to be vulgar! I want to be crude and dirty! I want to be contorted and
fucked in every possible way! I want us to have some kind of sex life.
Andy : Ah.
Pam : Do you know I have to listen to my friends moaning about their husbands
wanting sex at least twice a week? Twice a week! And the sad thing is I nod in
agreement. I placate them and pretend that I’m going through the same thing
when actually what I’m thinking is you lucky bitches. Lucky lucky bitches.
Feigning disappointment when actually they’re just boasting…boasting about how much
their husbands want them. And I’m sat here with a man who clearly finds me
undesirable and I suppose I’m thinking what’s the fucking point? What is the fucking
point?
(pause)
Andy : Shall I make some tea?
Pam : I don’t want any fucking tea!
Andy : O.K. (pause)I think I might have one. (Andy gets up)
Pam : A man said he wanted to inhabit me today.
Andy : Oh?
Pam : What do you think about that?
Andy : I’m not entirely sure what he means. He wanted to inhabit you? Was he an
alien?
Pam : He meant that he wanted to fuck me.
Andy : Right. Who was this?
Pam : It’s not important.
Andy : Did you?
Pam : Did I what?
Andy : Fuck him?
Pam : No.
Andy : Right. Do you wish you had?
Pam : In a way.
Andy : Right.
Pam : Stop saying ‘right’.
Andy : Sorry. So what does this mean?
Pam : Go and make your tea.
Andy : Right.
Pam : Andy!
Andy : Sorry. (he exits. A moment of silence. Andy re-enters) No…no…I’m not having
that. Making the tea after you just said…I don’t even want tea…
Pam : You said you did.
Andy : I was lying! I just wanted the tension to dissipate a bit!
Pam : Well that’s worked a treat hasn’t it?
Andy : Are you leaving me? (pause) Are you!?
Pam : Don’t be so fucking stupid.
Andy : You’ve just said that you’d like to sleep with another man, I don’t think I’m being
stupid.
Pam : I didn’t sleep with him, did I?
Andy : No…but then you said you regretted it!
Pam : Why don’t we have sex any more?
(pause)
Why don’t we have sex any more?
Andy : I don’t know.
Pam : You don’t know? (pause) Do you find me ugly?
Andy : Of course not.
Pam : Then what is it?
Andy : I don’t know!
Pam : That’s not good enough Andy! Tell me…tell me why! (pause) Talk to me!
Andy : You’re working aren’t you? You’re doing everything. You’ve said it yourself I
don’t even cover my own painting costs these days. I don’t feel like a painter, I don’t
feel like a man. I certainly don’t feel like having sex with you. Christ, I can’t even paint
you any more. (pause) I don’t know what else to say.
(Pause)
Pam : I’m going to bed.
Andy : Pam…
Pam : What?
Andy : I’m sorry.
Pam : Yeah…well…so am I.
(Pam gets in bed. Andy leaves. He enters again down stage as the lighting state
changes to suggest the next scene is Andy’s fantasy. Andy sighs. Trudy enters, saucily
attired. She begins to massage Andy’s shoulders)
Trudy : She’s got a temper.
Andy : No she hasn’t. She’s just very sensitive.
Trudy : So are you.
Andy : Not in the same way she is. She agonizes and dwells on things that hurt her. I
just get the occasional stabbing pain.
Trudy : Emotional cramps?
Andy : Yeah…something wanky like that.
(Trudy walks behind Andy and massages his head)
Trudy : When I don’t want to have sex I just say that I’m on my period or that my chakra
needs realigning. Maybe it’s easier for women.
Andy : Could you keep that up for a year?
Trudy : Well, I couldn’t sustain the period one, obviously…but I can string the chakra
realignment out for ages, if needed.
Andy : What’s the longest you’ve gone without sex?
Trudy : Well…not counting the years before I was fourteen…about two weeks.
Andy : Two weeks! Since you were fourteen you haven’t gone two weeks without sex?
Trudy : Yeah, I think so.
Andy : Good grief.
Trudy : (pause) Do you like the massage, then?
Andy : Oh God yeah.
Trudy : How about this? (she changes the nature of her massage.)
Andy : Oh my God that’s incredible…
Trudy : Why don’t you have sex with Pam?
Andy : (squirms) I can’t possibly…answer questions while…you’re doing that…
Trudy : Why don’t you have sex with Pam?
Andy : Because I can’t…I just don’t…there’s nothing left to have sex with…
Trudy : (stopping the massage) What does that mean?
Andy : She’s not my wife anymore. She’s my failure.
Trudy : (resuming the massage) Am I failure to you?
Andy : You? (standing up) Not at all. (he grabs her and pulls her onto the sofa. He
kisses her intensely)
Trudy : What are you doing?
Andy : Anything I want…it’s my fantasy after all.
Trudy : So I get you going do I?
Andy : (in-between kisses) Oh God yes.
Trudy : I wonder why? (she is very blasé about the affection Andy is dousing her in)
Andy : Well…it’s probably because you’re so different to Pam.
Trudy : I’m a woman aren’t I?
Andy : (out of breath) But you’re a different person…imperfect…robust…I don’t
know…
Trudy : What do you mean robust?
Andy : Robust…you know…sturdy…you won’t break.
Trudy : (pulling away) I’m sturdy! You’re as bad as my actor!
Andy : No…no…I didn’t mean that…
Trudy : You’ll be saying my ankles are like dough nuts next!
Andy : Don’t be ridiculous.
Trudy : I’m going to make myself sick right now! (starts to put her fingers down her
throat) Here I go! (she begins to retch)
Andy : Look just stop it! Stop it! (she does so) Why can’t I just devour you…why’s
all this going on? (slumps down again. During this speech Trudy disappears) I can’t
even fantasize about sex. I must be ill. My sub-conscience betrays me and I end up
having to stop people vomiting. Trudy…? (realises she’s gone) Oh. Right. Right.
(lights up on Pam in the bedroom. There is a brief cross over then lights
down on Andy. Pam is fantasizing too. An imagined Kieran appears in his boxers posing
for her.)
Kieran : What now?
Pam : Oh, I don’t know…just carry on.
Kieran : I could do a lot more, you know.
Pam : Well…go on then.
Kieran : Make me do it. It’s your fantasy.
Pam : I don’t know, do I? Show me your arms again.
Kieran : You like my arms don’t you?
Pam : I like all of you. You’re like a Greek God or something.
Kieran : I was actually going for that David statue…but a God will do.
Pam : Could I make you less arrogant?
Kieran : Anything…you’re in control.
Pam : You look like a Greek God or something.
Kieran : (camp) Oh stop it, really!
Pam : Oh Christ…no…that was dreadful!
Kieran : I don’t really feel you’re making the most of this.
Pam : What do you want me to do?
Kieran : It’s up to you.
Pam : I’m fed up of making decisions…what if my fantasy is someone else making the
decisions…maybe my fantasy is you taking control.
(with that Kieran picks her up and holds her close. They kiss passionately)
Kieran : Like that?
Pam : Er…yeah, spot on.
(Kieran flings her on the bed and pounces after her. They wrestle and maul
each other and both end up under the duvet)
Pam : Oh fuck it…take me you tosser…take me! (suddenly realising)
I can’t believe I just said that!
Kieran : Permission to speak?
Pam : Granted.
Kieran : I really liked it…very sexy, I thought.
Pam : Oh…you really thought it was sexy?
Kieran : Posh girls talking dirty. Guaranteed turn on.
Pam : Oh…good…wonderful!. Come on then you Adonis, take me!
Kieran : What does Adonis mean?
Pam : Oh God…permission to speak denied. Inhabit me!
(They wrestle some more. Andy enters. The fantasy Kieran remains under the
sheets. Andy of course doesn’t see him.)
Andy : Pam?
Pam : What!?
Andy : Oh.
Pam : What do you want Andy?
Andy : Well…er…
Pam : Spit it out!
Andy : Were you masturbating then?
Pam : (pause) No.
Andy :O.K.
Pam : So what if I was?
Andy : Nothing. You go right ahead.
Pam : I will.
Andy : I’d come up to say that I do fancy some tea now actually…and that if you wanted
a cup I’d make you one.
Pam : Well not now obviously.
Andy : No…obviously not. But if I wait a bit I could bring one up for afterwards.
Pam : Are you serious?
Andy : How long will you need?
Pam : Andy…
Andy : Couple of minutes? Five…seeing as I interrupted you. Right. See you in five.
(Andy exits. Imagined Kieran re-appears)
Kieran : He really is spineless isn’t he?
Pam : Hmmm.
Kieran : Come here.
Pam : No…no I don’t want to now.
Kieran : Why not?
Pam : I can’t now can I for God’s sake?
Kieran : Why not?
Pam : Did you see his face?
Kieran : Not really.
Pam : Couldn’t you see how sad he looked?
Kieran : I thought he looked a bit out of shape.
Pam : Do you ever switch off?
Kieran : Would you like me to?
Pam : Oh for goodness sake…you can go now.
Kieran : Are you sure?
Pam : Yep.
Kieran : I could force you…bit of a rape fantasy?
Pam : No. Maybe later. Off you go.
(The imagined Kieran exits.)
Pam : Oh God God God! I can’t even…(she growls with frustration then lies back in
bed. After a moment or two she sits up and addresses the audience)
Andy and I were at Art college together. He used to slip pictures
of me that he’d drawn into my bag while I wasn’t looking. He had a quite appalling dress
sense. It was as if his wardrobe had been stuck in a 1970’s time warp or something. All
of my friends told me he was a loser…a weirdo or whatever. But those pictures he
sent me. The time he’d spent on them. On the first few he’d only signed his name and
the date. But after a while he started writing little messages. “I was watching you eating
your lunch and I became envious of your apple” And the picture was of me
polishing an apple on my top like this. (she demonstrates) Again my friends said that
he was a pervert but I found it really funny. Eventually I confronted him about
the pictures, merely to see how he’d react really, and he didn’t flinch, just asked if I’d
like to go out some time. Those probably weren’t his exact words but something like
that.
He was so talented. Is, so talented. Much better than I ever was. So it made sense. At
the time it made sense. I’ll get a job that pays and Andy can pursue his art. It was
working fine. I suppose…I suppose I can’t help but resent him slightly…and its worse
when…when we don’t seem to be functioning properly. In any department.
I do love him. I really do…I just don’t know…how…at the moment. I don’t know
whether its love love or just…friendship love…I’m not putting it very well. I definitely
love him as a person…oh God I don’t know. (she slumps back in the bed) I just don’t
know.
(a knock at the door)
Andy : Hello…are you finished darling?
Pam : Come in.
(Andy enters)
Andy : How was that? Relaxing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you masturbate before.
Pam : Forget that please…let’s not bother alright?
Andy : Here’s your tea. (he hands it to her) I brought you that comedy ‘You’re a
Wanker!’ mug your brother got me. Thought it would amuse you.
Pam : Yes.
Andy : It suddenly becomes less funny in this context doesn’t it?
Pam : Hmmm.
Andy : I was just thinking about our problem. Well, my problem. I don’t know really.
There isn’t a way in which I can express it without hurting your feelings.
Pam : It’s a bit late for that.
Andy : And I’m sorry. (pause) I love you.
Pam : Thank you for my tea.
Andy : I love you a lot.
Pam : I know you do…you big…I love you to. But that’s not the point is it?
Andy : Isn’t it? (pause) Can I sit on the bed?
Pam : Of course you can sit on the fucking bed.
Andy : Thanks. (pause) Lovely bed this, isn’t it?
Pam : It’s great. Barely ever used.
Andy : Look…
Pam : No! No…‘look’. You don’t get away with ‘look’.
Andy : I think I have a solution.
Pam : (pause) Well?
Andy : (pause) Why don’t you go ahead and sleep with him? (pause) Just…go ahead
and …do it? I’ve thought about it. I think I could live with it. If I knew it would make
you happy.
Pam : You are joking?
Andy : No, I’m deadly serious. Go for it. Fuck him.
Pam : Andy…
Andy : It makes sense. It’s logical. Get it out of your system.
Pam : Andy I couldn’t…
Andy : But you’d have to promise not to talk too much…and no kissing…I’d
prefer it if you didn’t kiss…
Pam : I’m not going to sleep with him Andy…
Andy : No you’re not. You’re going to fuck him and then come straight home.
Pam : Andy! You’re starting to worry me.
Andy : I don’t feel good about the way things are either. I know its shit. But…I
think…rather than letting things fester and have you cheat on me…this could be…an
amicable solution.
Pam : An amicable solution? It sounds twisted.
Andy : Not if it helps. We could move on perhaps…
Pam : But…I can’t even believe I’m entertaining the idea…no way. No way.
Andy : Think about it. Mull it over. I might watch some more telly.
Pam : If you loved me…you wouldn’t…
Andy : If I loved you, which I do…I’d want you to be happy. And you’re not happy
now, are you?
Pam : Andy…
Andy : Are you!?
Pam : No.
(pause)
Andy : I think ‘Location! Location! Location!’ is starting…I’ll be up in a bit.
Pam : (weakly) O.K.
(Andy exits. Blackout. Lights up on Trudy wheeling herself on stage wearing her
dressing gown.)
Trudy : My first time was a truly spiritual experience. I was fourteen and he was twenty.
It sounds awful, I know, but we did have a lot in common.
It was quite clear he was only interested in one thing which made life
rather simple from my perspective. I made him wait and wait and wait. Two whole
weeks I held out and then, all of a sudden the time seemed right. We did it behind the
Greggs on the high street. The smell of cheese and bean pasties always reminds me of
it. We were both standing up and it was all over rather quickly. Once he’d finished
he kissed me on the forehead and offered to buy me a steak slice. I declined because I
didn’t want to feel bought in any way. I was also a vegetarian of course.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking how on earth was that a spiritual
experience? Well allow me to explain. For the briefest of moments while he was inside
me, I could feel his heart beating…thump-thump…thump-thump… through his track suit
and I knew that at that point everything in his being was concentrated on me. I was the
centre of his universe and I found that so…empowering.
You see I believe sex is about self preservation. It confirms your attractive to someone, it
confirms you’re desired and more importantly in confirms your alive. Also, ever since
that day ‘Greggs’ bakeries have held a special significance to me.
(Andy enters. He appears frenzied and not a little unstable)
Andy : Trudy…
Trudy : Hello Andy.
Andy : Yes, hi…look, before we start I want to ask you something.
Trudy : O.K.
Andy : And I want an honest reaction.
Trudy : Go ahead.
Andy : Right. (pause) Don’t hold back…just be…direct.
Trudy : Fine.
Andy : (pause) I’ll just get my easel.
(Andy exits. A pause. He re-enters)
Look. Would you like to sleep with me?
Trudy : No.
Andy : Bitch!
(Andy exits)
Trudy : Andy…Andy is everything alright?
(Andy enters carrying his easel)
Andy : Morning Trudy…how are you?
Trudy : Are you O.K?
Andy : Oh yeah…are you?
Trudy : I’m a bit bewildered to be honest.
Andy : Yes…windy weather does that to me as well.
Trudy : I wasn’t talking about…
Andy : (suddenly shouting) Well you could have been, alright? Now get that dressing
gown off and let’s get started! (pause) Cock tease.
Trudy : What did you say?
Andy : Nothing.
Trudy : I think I might leave .
Andy : Oh fine! Abandon me then! You’re only my fucking muse after all! I didn’t
believe in muses before I met you. I was muse-less! There’s a fucking irony…he has
muscles and I’m muse-less…do you hear that? I can even make shitty jokes about it!
(Andy knocks over his drawing pad which rests on his stool. It appears a
rather pathetic gesture. Trudy goes to pick it up)
Leave the pad! I knocked it off! I knew what I was doing!
Trudy : Andy, you’re not making any sense.
Andy : You’re right. Go ahead…pick the pad up if you want to.
Trudy : I’m really worried about you Andy.
Andy : Please sleep with me.
Trudy : No.
Andy : Oh go on…I really want you to.
Trudy : No, Andy!
Andy : My wife’s with another man at the moment. She’s probably in his arms as we
speak. Scratching herself on his granite…bloody…stomach.
Trudy : Pam!?
Andy : No, my other wife. Of course Pam for fuck’s sake! Oh God I thought this would
be easier…so much easier. It’s true that men who work out have small cocks isn’t it?
Trudy : (pause) Not in my experience, I’m afraid.
Andy : Oh Christ! He’s probably huge then isn’t he? Why couldn’t you have lied?
Trudy : I thought you wanted me to be honest?
Andy : Not now! Not now for heaven’s sake!
Trudy : Why don’t you go and stop them?
Andy : It was my idea. Fuck me this hard…oh God it hurts…the jealousy is searing
through me…could we just have a cuddle maybe?
Trudy : I’m going to get some help…
Andy : Just hold my hand! That might do…
Trudy : Andy! Calm down! (she slaps him)
Andy : Ow! So now I’m in physical pain too! Thanks a fucking bunch!
Trudy : You need…(she slaps him)…to calm…(she slaps him again)…down! (gives him
a final slap)
Andy : I think I’m going to be sick!
Trudy : I’ll get you a bucket…
Andy : Kiss me! (he grabs her foot and starts kissing it)
Trudy : Andy get off…
(with a big heave he pulls her down and grapples with her. He pins her to
the floor and kisses her. She spits in his face)
Andy : Trudy…that was horrible…
Trudy : Kiss me again.
Andy : I’ve got your spit in my eye now.
Trudy : Kiss me!
Andy :… a little bit went in my mouth for goodness sake.
Trudy : Andy!
(a pause. Andy dives in as the lights fade on them both and come up on Pam and
Kieran snuggled up lying beneath several yoga mats.)
Pam : That was amazing.
Kieran : Yes, I was good, wasn’t I?
Pam : Kieran…
Kieran : What was your favorite bit?
Pam : (pause) All of it.
Kieran : That’s a lazy answer.
Pam : Oh, do forgive me master!
Kieran : Come on…what was your favorite bit?
Pam : I don’t know.
Kieran : You’re being lazy again.
Pam : I liked it when I was on top…I suppose…
Kieran : Yeah, I liked that bit too. I bet you had a good view of me.
Pam : You really are unbelievable.
Kieran : I had a good view of you. Bouncing around, enjoying yourself. It was
great.
Pam : Bouncing around?
Kieran : Yeah…certain parts bounced more than others…like I said it was great.
Pam : It was. (yawning and stretching) It really was.
Kieran : Kiss me.
Pam : I can’t.
Kieran : Kiss me.
Pam : No. I really can’t. That was the agreement.
Kieran : We aren’t supposed to talk either are we? That was also the agreement. But
we have. We’ve just gone ahead and talked…all recklessly…so I’m sure we can have a
kiss as well.
Pam : The talking rule was impractical.
Kieran : Oh was it?
Pam : Yes. Andy would understand.
Kieran : I thought he’d be more upset about the snuggling were doing.
Pam : He didn’t mention snuggling. I don’t think he anticipated it.
Kieran : Kiss me.
Pam : No.
Kieran : It feels weird not being able to kiss you. It’s like having free sex with a
prostitute.
Pam : (getting up) Right, that’s it, I’m leaving.
Kieran : Pam…
Pam : (putting on clothes) You really are tosser.
Kieran : I didn’t mean it like that.
Pam : No? Then how did you mean it?
Kieran : I don’t know…I didn’t mean it in the way you’ve taken it.
Pam : God you’re hopeless aren’t you?
Kieran : You didn’t think that five minutes ago. You thought I was brilliant five
minutes ago.
Pam : I’ll be in touch.
Kieran : Woah…where are you going?
Pam : Back to Andy. I’ve fucked you and now I’m going straight home.
Kieran : I love it when you say ‘fucked’.
Pam : Bye Kieran.
Kieran : Wait…how long have you got?
Pam : I’m going home Kieran.
Kieran : I’ve at least got two more in me. I’m like a machine. The truth is I barely
count the first one.
Pam : No…not now…I’ll be in touch…
Kieran : Pam…(taking her in his arms)…you’re out of practice, and I understand
that. But I haven’t even got started yet. (he starts kissing her neck)
Pam : Oh…well…he didn’t give any time restrictions…
Kieran : Exactly…think of this as catching up…
(they kiss and fondle)
Pam : No…no that was enough…I’m going…
(she exits)
Kieran : Pam…Pam!
(the lights fade down on Kieran. The lights come up
on Trudy and Andy. Andy is sat on his stool separate from Trudy who is wrapped in
her dressing gown sat on the wheel chair)
Andy : Well…
Trudy : Well what?
Andy : I don’t know. Sorry it was so…
Trudy : So what?
Andy : You’re not being very helpful are you?
Trudy : Forgive me. (pause) I could murder a cheese and bean pasty.
Andy : Right.
Trudy : Can I smoke in here?
Andy : You don’t smoke do you?
Trudy : I’ve taken it up since I learnt how to roll them.
Andy : Oh right. Well…neither of us smoke, really…
Trudy : I’ll take that as a yes, then. (she exits)
Andy : I haven’t got an ash tray…Trudy…I haven’t got an ash tray.
Trudy : (entering holding tobacco paraphernalia and a mug) I found a mug.
Andy : Oh, great.
Trudy : It says ‘You’re a Wanker!’.
Andy : Mmm.
Trudy : Funny. (pause. She rolls herself a cigarette)
Andy : I’m sorry it was so quick. No excuse really. Apart from the fact it’s been a
long time. You just…. It was incredible…you were so…vicious…so
angry…you know at times it was almost like…well, you know what I mean.
Trudy : No.
Andy : Well…it felt like I was forcing you, in a way…but I wasn’t of course.
was I? (pause) Trudy?
Trudy : What?
Andy : I wasn’t forcing you was I? (she shrugs) I mean…it felt like I was…but we
were just…sort of…sex fighting…weren’t we?
Trudy : Sex fighting?
Andy : Yeah. Fuck tussling…you know.
Trudy : Your pillow talk’s crap. (she lights her cigarette)
Andy : Sorry. I suppose I’m out of practice. (pause) Look, I wasn’t forcing you was I?
Trudy : Of course not for fuck’s sake…God you’re such a negative presence.
Andy : Sorry.
Trudy : Do you want a drag?
Andy : It’s not a…jazz fag is it?
Trudy : A jazz fag!?
Andy : Cannabis…you’re not smoking cannabis are you?
Trudy : Of course not.
Andy : Oh, Good…pleased to hear it.
Trudy : It’s crack actually.
Andy : What!?
Trudy : It’s just a fag, Andy!
Andy : Right, right. Good. No I don’t want a drag. Thank you.
Trudy : They always have cigarettes in the films don’t they? After sex.
Andy : Yeah. (pause) Sorry about the condom incident as well…
Trudy : It’s best to be safe.
Andy : Pam must have taken them all with her…it was quite an interruption really wasn’t
it?
Trudy : You were very quick. ‘Boots’ is miles away.
Andy : I’ll get a speeding ticket now…think I saw a flash. Still…we kept with it, didn’t
we? I think it was worth a fine.
Trudy : I’ll pay half if you want.
Andy : Oh, no. That’s very decent of you but don’t worry.
Trudy : O.K.
Andy : Did the ribbed aspect make any difference?
Trudy : The ribbed aspect?
Andy : The condom.
Trudy : Yes, I know what you mean…
Andy : I didn’t get that sort on purpose…I was in a rush.
Trudy : The ribbed aspect was fine.
Andy : Good
Trudy : ‘Ribbed aspect’.
Andy : We’ve still got some time for drawing…if you want.
Trudy : No…I don’t feel like it.
Andy : Fair enough. Are you meeting what’s-his-name later?
Trudy : Possibly.
Andy : Will that be O.K?
Trudy : I should think so.
Andy : Good stuff.
(blackout. More inappropriate music plays. Different spots light up Andy)
Andy : Though I say so myself the ‘solution’ came off a treat. Knowing Pam was with
Kieran made me so jealous…my stomach was turning over…my fingers were tingling…
my blood was boiling! It was all so vivid, so intense…I don’t think I’d ever felt so alive!
And then there was Trudy…I mean that was such a disaster it made me realise what I’d
been missing. Pam was right. She was right not to give a toss about the painting. Who
cares!? Who cares about that when there so much more…to everything. My wife
suddenly seemed tangible again! I wanted her…all over again…it was the healthiest I’d
felt about us for ages!
I waited for her to come home…I just had so much to say to her…so much to…’do’ to
her.
(Pam enters carrying a bottle of wine)
Andy : Pam…
Pam : Don’t say anything…I don’t want talk to you right now.
Andy : But Pam its fine…I’m fine…
Pam : You’re fine?
Andy : Yes.
Pam : How can you be?
Andy : Well I’ve been thinking…
Pam : Me too. Me too Andy. (pause) Could you get me a glass?
Andy : Sure? (he exits. From off stage) Bottle opener?
Pam : It’s a screw top. (she opens the wine)
Andy : O.K. (he enters carrying two glasses) There you are.
Pam : (pointing to Andy’s glass) What’s that one for?
Andy : Oh…er…me…
Pam : Get your own.
(Pam pours herself a glass and drinks a big gulp)
Andy : Is it nice?
Pam : It’s shit but who cares. (finishes it and pours herself another one) Andy, I think we
should get a divorce.
Andy : What?
Pam : This isn’t a marriage any more! It’s a fucking disaster.
Andy : No…no its not…its odd, I’ll admit…but I’m feeling so much better…
Pam : I’ve just fucked another man, Andy!
Andy : I know…
Pam : And it was…it was good. (Another big gulp of wine)
Andy : I bet it was! Christ the man must be an athlete in the sack!
Pam : Andy…
Andy : Did you do different positions? Did he flip you around? Make the most of you?
Pam : How can you…
Andy : I’m so excited Pam! Look at you, stood there all…smouldering…would you like
to go to bed?
Pam : No!
Andy : We can leave the light on!
Pam : Andy! I don’t know what you’re doing but I’d like you to stop, now!
Andy : Don’t you see, though, Pam. It’s all good! He’s made me want you again! I was
so jealous you wouldn’t believe! But you’ve done it now…you fucked him and you’ve
come straight home…straight home to me…I’m the luckiest man alive!
Pam : How can you feel like this, Andy…?
Andy : I don’t know! But I do! Come on Pam, let’s do it right here! Sod the carpet
burns!
Pam : Get away from me!
Andy : Pam…
Pam : Get away from me! This can’t work…none of it can…its broken…I’ve betrayed
you…
Andy : Nonsense…
Pam : I have! I don’t want to look at you let alone…
Andy : Oh but Pam it’s fine!
Pam : Its not fine, Andy! Not at all.
Andy : Look at me Pam…
Pam : No!
Andy : But I’ve betrayed you too!
Pam : (pause) What?
Andy : I’ve betrayed you too! I slept with Trudy!
Pam : You did what?
Andy : I slept with Trudy! You know, we had sex…in my studio…I doubt it was as good
as your one but it was full sex, you know…
Pam : Trudy your model?
Andy : Yeah, and truth be told it was awful…awkward…she spat at me…
Pam : You slept with Trudy?
Andy : Yeah…but it’s made me realise how special you are…
Pam : How could you?
Andy : It just seemed to make sense…but now we’re even, aren’t we? You and me…
we’ve done what we’ve done and now we can move on! It’s brilliant!
Pam : It’s brilliant?
Andy : It’s amazing…it’s…it’s like an epiphany!
Pam : (pause) I think I’m going to leave.
Andy : But Pam…
Pam : Get out of my way.
Andy : But…
Pam : What have you done Andy?
Andy : I’ve fixed things.
Pam : No you haven’t. You made things worse…that…little tart… in my dressing
gown…it’s not fair Andy…
Andy : It couldn’t be fairer…
Pam : You knew about mine!
Andy : Well…you know about mine now…
Pam : But we had an arrangement! You…fucking Trudy is just…heartbreaking…
Andy : Why?
Pam : Because I thought you couldn’t! I thought the problem was with you.
Andy : It was.
Pam : Clearly not! Clearly all you actually needed was a different vagina!
Andy : Nonsense!
Pam : It was me all along. It wasn’t that you couldn’t fuck…it was that you couldn’t fuck
me…
Andy : Weren’t you listening to anything I said just now?
Pam : Get out of my way!
Andy : Pam…
Pam : Move!
Andy : I don’t want you to go…I want you stay here…with me…
Pam : Please move Andy…I’m so miserable…
Andy : But Pam…
Pam : Move! For fuck’s sake…just let me go.
Andy : (pause) I…fine…fine…(he goes to exit)…I love you.
Pam : How can you?
(pause. Andy begins to say something, thinks better of it exits. Pam, exit.
Blackout, music plays.
Lights snap up on Kieran holding two Pilates balls. He shifts them around admiring
himself as he does so. Andy enters. )
Kieran : Thank you for coming.
Andy : What do you want?
Kieran : (rolling a ball over to Andy) Take a seat.
Andy : On this?
Kieran : (sitting on his Pilates ball) Its good for your core strength. Unless that would
be a problem for you?
Andy : No…no…I’ll be fine…(he very shakily takes a seat on the ball)
Kieran : Can I offer you a protein shake?
Andy : A protein shake?
Kieran : Yeah…chocolate or strawberry flavour?
Andy : I’m O.K thanks.
Kieran : You’re sure?
Andy : Yep.
Kieran : Then let’s get down to business
Andy : What business?
Kieran : Your wife, Pamela.
Andy : It’s Pam.
Kieran : Don’t you think Pamela’s prettier?
Andy : Maybe…but her name’s Pam. (pause) Do you call her Pamela?
Kieran : No…but I was thinking of trying it.
Andy : I wouldn’t if I were you.
Kieran : Is that a threat?
Andy : Is that a…? No of course its not…she hates being called Pamela…
Kieran : She does?
Andy : Yes.
Kieran : Taken on board.
Andy : What do you want to discuss Kieran?
Kieran : Have you seen Pam recently?
Andy : No.
Kieran : Why not?
Andy : It’s none of your business Kieran…but she’s been staying with a friend for the last
two weeks.
Kieran : (pleased) Really?
Andy : Yes.
Kieran : Excellent.
Andy : If all you’ve got me here for is to gloat then I have much better ways of feeling
miserable .
Kieran : She won’t answer my calls.
Andy : Oh.
Kieran : As soon as she hears it’s me she hangs up.
Andy : Join the club.
Kieran : I’ve been to her work but she ignores me. (pause) I don’t know what to do.
Andy : (pause) Hang on…are you asking me advice on how best to continue
seducing my wife?
Kieran : In a sense…
Andy : Oh right! Well then, can I recommend drugging her? Couple of pills and
you could do what you wanted to her…
Kieran : Don’t be obscene.
Andy : Don’t be obscene!? Oh that’s priceless!
Kieran : (standing) I think I’m in love with her!
Andy : You what?
Kieran : I think I’m in love with her.
Andy : (pause) You’re ball’s getting away.
Kieran : Thanks. (he picks it up)
Andy : You think you’re in love with her?
Kieran : Yeah. (pause) I keep thinking about…you know…her face…and stuff…
Andy : That’s very touching…but there’s nothing I can do for you, Kieran.
Kieran : Please…you used to love her, didn’t you? What does she like? Soft toys?
Flowers?
Andy : Neither. And there’s no ‘used to’ about it. I’ve never loved her more. Goodbye
Kieran.
Kieran : Please Andy…Andy!
Andy : Yes?
Kieran : (pause) Would you like to…you know…get a beer sometime?
Andy : Really?
Kieran : We could go fishing…
Andy : No…not in a million…no Kieran…we couldn’t. No.
Kieran : Call those arms?
Andy : What?
Kieran : You call those arms do you? (Andy exits) Call those arms you fucking
weakling! Call those arms! (he kicks the Pilates ball and exits after Andy. Pam enters
followed by Trudy)
Pam : How did you know where I am?
Trudy : Andy told me.
Pam : That’s what I was worried about. (pause) What on earth do you want?
Trudy : He sent me.
Pam : Right.
Trudy : He wanted me to…convey a message.
Pam : O.K.
Trudy : Can I sit down?
Pam : I think not.
Trudy : I told him this would happen.
Pam : What?
Trudy : That you’d shoot the messenger.
Pam : I think I’d shoot the bitch who slept with my husband.
Trudy : This was a bad idea. (she goes to exit)
Pam : What did Andy want you to say?
Trudy : Three things.
Pam : Go on.
Trudy : That the sex meant nothing…to me or him…
Pam : Is that true?
Trudy : Yes. In both cases. He wanted me to stress how terrible it was…
Pam : Was it?
Trudy : It was like being groped by a jelly fish. (pause) A polite jelly fish.
Pam : That jelly fish is my husband.
Trudy : And you’re welcome to him.
Pam : Anything else?
Trudy : He wanted me to say how much he loved you.
Pam : You can go now.
Trudy : He really does, you know.
Pam : Why did you do this for him?
Trudy : He’s put me in touch with an artist who pays much better. No more wheel chairs
for me. I’ll see myself out.
Pam : Trudy, could you pass a message back to him for me?
Trudy : I’m not playing games…
Pam : I think you owe me this, don’t you?
Trudy : Fine…what’s the message?
Pam : (she removes her wedding ring and gives it to Trudy) It’s just this.
Trudy : Really?
Pam : Goodbye.
Trudy : Pam…
Pam : Goodbye, Trudy.
(Trudy exits. Blackout. Music plays. Lights up on Andy. He addresses the
audience)
Andy : I used to worry a lot about the sex I had with Pam. I’m sure you’re all aware of
that…by now. Orgasms, for example. Her orgasms, of course. My orgasms were as
predictable as the days of the week. Pam’s, though, were shrouded in mystery as far as I
was concerned. I could never really tell if she was having them. Was that moan one?
She clenched her teeth then, was that it? I was convinced that after the main course of
love making…an orgasm desert was essential. For a balanced meal…of sex.
She’d say she was having them…following my embarrassing post coital
interrogation…but I always had the suspicion that she was faking them and lying about it.
I suppose it was a trust issue. But she was lovely about it, now I think back. She
tolerated my neurotic babbling and pretty much convinced me that orgasms weren’t the
important thing. Overall. And she was right. Our relationship, sexual and otherwise,
was the important thing.
Somewhere along the line…I lost sight of that. So, everyone…I’m a dick head. Andy
the dick head. That’s where I was about a week ago now…grieving and emotionally self
harming.
That’s show business.
I’m selling paintings again. Nothing like a bit of misery to get the juices flowing. I’m
exhibiting too. I’m producing the best work I’ve done in ages. Typical, isn’t it?
I’ve been doing a lot of studies on mobility equipment, wheel chairs, crutches, Zimmer
frames, that sort of thing. Not having to worry about a person…a subject….I suppose
it’s what I needed. Not any more though. I’m feeling better. I think.
(pause)
Whenever I paint I put Pam’s ring in my back pocket. (he takes the ring out) I don’t
know why, really. It’s nice just to have it there. I’m sorry, this must be excruciating for
you. (he puts the ring back in his pocket)
Onto brighter things… (the lights go up to reveal two stools with Andy’s painting stuff
around one of them.)…I mentioned earlier I’m feeling better…well, I’m getting a new
model. Starting the ball rolling again. I’ve thought about it a lot and I think I’m ready.
I’ve spent a bit of money, too. I’ve furthered my search by advertising in the local
paper.
(Andy sits on one stool. A pause)
Hopefully…it’ll be someone I can just paint. Someone I can just have…a professional
relationship with. Like I said, I think I’m ready for this.
(Pam enters)
Oh.
Pam : Hi.
Andy : Hi.
(pause)
Pam : Well this isn’t awkward at all. (pause) I’ll leave.
Andy : No…don’t…don’t be silly. Have you come for more of your stuff? There’s a
box in the kitchen…the egg cups were yours I think and…
Pam : I saw your advert.
(pause)
Andy : Right.
Pam : I thought I might apply.
Andy : Oh. You want to be my model?
Pam : Yeah…I think so.
Andy : (pause) Sorry…Pam…I’m having trouble working out why…
Pam : You want someone for two hours three times a week don’t you?
Andy : Yeah.
Pam : I could do that. (pause) That’s if you want to paint me.
Andy : Nothing would make me happier.
Pam : O.K. (pause) Shall we start?
Andy : I’ve missed you so much…
Pam : I don’t want to talk about that, really…not yet. How about we just get down to
work?
Andy : Yeah…sure…well, you know where everything is…I…might get some charcoal
actually…so…back in two ticks…(he goes to leave and stops)…you look really good, by
the way.
Pam : Thanks.
Andy : Yeah. (he exits)
(A pause. Pam tries to get comfy on the stool.)
End.
